To celebrate the premier of “Army Wives” Season 4 tomorrow (Sunday, April 11 at 10 pm on LifetimeTV), I’ve compiled six real-life Army stories that you’ll never see on the series. Some happened to me; some happened to others, but they’re all absolutely true.
1. Welcome to the Neighborhood-While in the backyard of the commander’s house for a summer cook-out, you reach for your can of Coca-Cola. Unknown to you, a wasp had taken up residence in the sugary beverage. When you tip back the can for a sip, the surprised wasp stings your top lip. (such a sensitive spot…you know how swollen those bites can get…not enough Benadryl in the world.)
2. Can’t Get Out of There Fast Enough-Having ducked into the PX to pick up a few items, you manage to see about everyone you know. You’re walking through the aisles with several embarrassing but necessary items in your basket–let’s say hair dye and tampons–and you manage to run into everyone you know, including the general’s wife, who insists on having a nice long conversation with you.
3. Would You Like to Super-size That Drink? You have about one nerve left after an exhausting cross-country drive. At the end of a long move-in day, you’re sitting at a restaurant with a cranky four year old and a crying infant. Your husband hands the baby to you over the table instead of off to the side like he should. The baby’s foot catches on the quart-sized tumbler of iced tea and the entire contents dump into your lap. What happens next? (Hint: It’s not pretty.)
4. Potty Mouth-You have your three year old son in the shopping cart at the commissary. Dad is an Infantry company commander and the wee one has been privy to plenty of salty conversations between soldiers. You didn’t know the little guy was actually absorbing the lingo until you maneuver around a corner and accidentally broadside another cart. “Where the f*ck are you going?” your precious toddler yells at the silver-haired grandma.
5. Pass the Stuffed Mushrooms-Funny thing in the Army is that family physicians are considered to be part of a battalion so they attend all the unit social functions. Yes, that means you can be sitting across the banquet table sharing an appetizer and making small talk with the doctor who, just last week, either delivered your baby or completed your annual GYN exam or treated you for a yeast infection. (Try to act casual.)
6. He Took it Out of Context -A First Sergeant is out with his four-year old and runs into some of his buddies from work. One guy asks, “Is this your son?” and the man answers in a joking macho way, “His mama says he is.” A few days later, the first sergeant and his son are talking to the chaplain after services. “Is this your daddy?” the chaplain asks the boy. “Mama says he is,” replies the four year old.
What about you? Do you have any gems you’re brave enough to share?
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